This is slightly different to my usual type of post, but a while ago I decided that I was going to be a lot more open with my experiences with anxiety on my road to recovery on the blog, so wanted to share my experience with anxiety when I got my nose pierced a week ago.  I'd been wanting to get my nose pierced for a while and if you follow me on Instagram you will have seen that I actually ended up getting it pierced along with my mum.  Yes, you read that right, my mum!  I was in utter shock when she mentioned that she'd like to come with me and get it done too.  My mum has always been very supportive of my piercings and tattoos but isn't really one for them herself, or so I thought, until now!  I was thrilled that she wanted to share this experience with me though, and is what has actually lead me to writing this post as I found it really interesting how different our thought processes were before and during the experience.

When I'm about to do something that causes me anxiety I like to prepare myself as much as possible for whatever situation I'm about to put myself in.  For me this meant watching as many nose piercing videos on Instagram and Youtube as I could, seeing every way possible that my nose could be pierced and peoples' reaction to it.  For my mum, who doesn't have anxiety, doing something like this she said would make her more nervous to go have it done but for me I find comfort in knowing exactly what to expect.

On the Saturday morning we went to get our nose piercings, I woke up feeling rather anxious, so did as much as I could to relax myself.  Which mainly involved having a bath, one of my favourite ways to relax, and practicing my breathing exercises (which I was hoping would come in handy during the piercing too).  I had a lot of anxious thoughts racing through my head but after speaking to my mum I realised how different our thoughts were in relation to the piercing.  My thoughts were all situational; What would the place be like?  Would the room be big or small?  Would it be busy?  Would it be hot?  What would the lady who was doing the piercing be like?  What if I had a panic attack?  Whereas my mum's only thoughts were how long will it take?  Could she freeze it before doing it?  How much would it hurt?  

I just found it quite fascinating that throughout this whole process not once had the thought of how much it would hurt entered my mind, yet it was my mum's primary concern.  I was so focused on my anxiety that the thought of the pain of the piercing hadn't even crossed my mind.  This has led me to wonder how different my experience may have been if I wasn't an anxiety sufferer, would I have been worried about the pain involved?  Even during the piercing, and watching my mum getting her nose pierced first (she only agreed to go through with it if she got to go first, ha ha!), the thought of the pain still didn't cross my mind.  I remember feeling really hot and anxious when we got there, so having my mum go first actually worked in my favour by enabling me to adjust to my new surroundings (as silly as it sounds new environments that I have never been in before give me major anxiety), do a few breathing exercises to calm myself and speak with the piercer to get more comfortable with her.  I also mentioned to her that I had anxiety, as I've found this is one of the most helpful tools in managing my anxiety recently, the less I feel I have to hide it the more I am able to relax.  

When it was my turn I jumped up on the bed and before I knew it my nose was pierced!  It was honestly that quick and I just remember feeling a slight pinch when the needle went through.  When I think back on it now, I realise that I was so wrapped up in my anxiety and focused on trying to keep myself relaxed and not have a panic attack that it kind of removed my head from the situation and I barely noticed the piercing as I was so removed from it.  My mum said the worst part for her was when the tiny tube was left in her nose that was used to pull the nose ring through, whereas I didn't feel it at all.  This also makes me wonder if I wasn't suffering from anxiety and had been more focused on the piercing itself, would I have felt that too?  In the end though I am just happy that I was able to manage my anxiety well enough to go through with my nose piercing.  I love it and now can't wait for it heal so I can change it for a dainty hoop.

What is your experience with piercings? Do your nerves ever stop you from going through with something like this?

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I am firstly going to apologise that this may be a pretty lengthy post and probably pretty photo heavy. If you follow my blog, you'll know that my boyfriend bought me a trip to Disneyland last year for my Birthday in April and I'd always wanted to go when it was all decorated for Christmas.  So we booked it for December and most of last year was spent working really hard on my anxiety so that I could go.  There were little hiccups along the way and things that caused me anxiety whilst there, but it went better than I ever could have imagined and gave me a huge amount of confidence in my battle against the demon that is anxiety.

We stayed in the Newport Bay Hotel as it looked lovely and was only a short walk to the park.  I wanted to stay in one of the park hotels, as one of my biggest struggles with anxiety is public transport and I didn't want to have to be getting shuttle buses to and from the park each day.  I'm sure everyone that goes to Disneyland dreams of staying at the Disneyland Hotel, but we just couldn't justify the price.  Newport Bay was really nice though and I remember just thinking "wow" when we drove up to it when we arrived.  It is all nautical themed and just looked stunning all decked out for Christmas.  We paid a little extra for a Christmas themed room, which was a lovely touch and we even got a couple of presents left in the room too.

When it comes to the parks I have to admit that the Disneyland Park was my favourite and I absolutely loved the Fantasyland area.  I am a Disney Princess at heart and walking around Fantasyland was just like stepping into a Disney movie, it was so pretty.  I even got to meet Snow White, my all time favourite Disney Princess!  Before we went I have to admit that I wasn't so sure about the meet and greets with the characters, I thought they were more for children, and to be honest the thought of it before we went gave me crippling anxiety.  Would it be awkward?  What would I say?  How would I act?  My mind raced with different scenarios.  But once we were there and I had started to settle in slightly and see more and more characters around the park, I really wanted to meet them.  I still found it slightly awkward and didn't really say much, just a quick hello, hug and a picture and that was it.  I am really glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do this though because one of my happiest memories from the whole trip was meeting Snow White.  I remember just standing there thinking how beautiful she looked and my inner child came out.  I was so excited to be standing in front of her, and if you suffer from anxiety you'll know that excitement is a foreign emotion when all situations fill you with dread and fear.  To actually be feeling excited about something, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I had to hold back the tears.  It was there and then in that moment that I actually realised how far I'd come with my anxiety and actually felt proud of myself for battling every step along the way to actually get to experience that moment.  It is a moment that I will never forget!

Now don't get me wrong, even though the Disneyland Park was my favourite, the Walt Disney Studios are still well worth a visit.  When it came to going to Disneyland one of my biggest fears was the rides.  I had no idea how I was going to get through them with my anxiety... standing in queues, feeling trapped on rides, being surrounded by strangers, not knowing what to expect, being unable to escape... all things that trigger my panic attacks.  Thankfully with a letter from my doctor, I was able to get an orange pass which meant I was able to get a time to return to the ride and we would be allowed straight on so I didn't have to stand in the queues, as the longer I would stand there waiting the longer I would have for my anxiety to build and to change my mind about going on the ride.  As I wanted to use this trip to battle my anxiety and push my boundaries though I only used this pass for the longer queues.  I'm glad I found the courage to go on some of the rides because they were really good, Ratatouille being my favourite, but if I was only able to watch the parades and shows I wouldn't have felt like I missed out.  The parades and shows were hands down my favourite, they were just incredible.  They also gave me something to focus on when it came to my anxiety, whether it be a particular song, character or just focusing on the lights rather than what was going on around me and not having to focus on all the people.  This was one of the main ways I managed my anxiety and stopped it from turning into full blown panic attacks and being able to find a quieter spot when things got a bit too much made the trip a lot more manageable.  It's amazing what putting all your focus into one thing, such as memorising the words to a song or picking out particular colours in the lights, can do to ease your anxiety.

As much as I wish I could sit here and say that the entire trip was perfect, I just can't.  That however is something I have come to accept living with anxiety, nothing is ever going to be perfect, but it can still be a victory in my battle.  One part of the trip that I didn't see as a complete victory but I thought was worth a mention was Buffalo Bill's Wild West show.  For a bit of background, that morning I had tried to be a little too brave (as the trip so far was going so well) and agreed to go on the Rock 'n' Roller coaster with my boyfriend.  Well let's just say it was my worst nightmare, it was fast, it was dark and I couldn't wait for it to be over.  I spent the entire ride with my eyes squeezed shut, tears streaming down my face, holding on as tight as I could and my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest.  I just remember praying for it to be over and stepping off with every inch of my body shaking.  I think it was just a step too far for my anxiety and it really knocked me up for the rest of the day.  We had Buffalo Bill's booked for that night though and I was determined not to miss it.  The problem is when my anxiety is bad it just consumes me and no matter how hard I try I just can't shake it.  As hard as I tried I just couldn't focus on the show as much as I would've liked and really struggled to eat the incredible meal we were given during the show.  I mean just look at that dessert!  I only managed a couple of bites but it tasted amazing and I wish I could've eaten more.  If you get the opportunity to go it is definitely worth the money, I just wish I could've enjoyed it a little more.

I don't want to end this post on a downer, so even though I did struggle with my anxiety it was the trip of a lifetime and I'm glad I was finally able to say yes to it.  If you suffer from anxiety I know how hard it is to say yes to things like this, but trust me you won't regret it!  There are ways to mange you're anxiety there and the staff in City Hall were really good at telling us where the less crowded places would be for the illuminations and parades.  It was very cold standing and waiting for them at this time of year but was worth it for how magical Disneyland looks at Christmas, especially when it's all lit up at night.

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Happy Halloween!! As I'm not big on Halloween, it does not mix well with my anxiety, I hate fancy dress (especially scary fancy dress) and I spend the majority of it tucked up in my bedroom, pretending to the trick or treaters that there is nobody home as I am too afraid to answer the door, watching something more anxiety friendly such as Harry Potter or Hocus Pocus.  I am currently watching The Nightmare Before Christmas as I write this.  I thought it would be the perfect time though to share with you my visit to the Warner Bros Studio Tour.

Things like this are a massive step for me and I had a huge mix of anxiety and excitement and as I am doing as much as I can this year to battle my anxiety and try to find a bit of enjoyment in life again, I was determined to go.  I also thought it'd be a nice little stepping stone towards seeing how I will cope when I go to Disneyland in December.

I have to admit I don't remember much about the first part of the tour besides trying to focus on not having a panic attack.  All I remember is being led into a dark room where a member of staff was explaining what was going to happen to us and then into a small cinema room.  I honestly could not tell you a single thing that happened in that screening, that is how much my anxiety takes over and this time last year I would've ran as fast as I can to get out of there but I am learning to find coping mechanisms so that I don't have to run away from every situation and miss out on all the good things that follow.  I was so pleased I didn't as when the screen lifted to reveal the door to the Great Hall it was the first distraction from my anxiety that pushed me to fight through and not give up.  I did not want to miss out on this like I had so many things before.

The Great Hall was all decorated for Halloween and looked amazing.  This had to be one of my favourite parts of the tour, it really felt as if you were on the set of the movie.  My only qualm with this is that it didn't feel like we got very long to spend looking around in here before we were being ushered out ready for the next group to come in.  This may have just been me, as I do like to hang back where I feel more comfortable than in the midst of a crowd of people, but I do feel like they could've left a little longer between tours as this part of the tour did feel a bit rushed to me.  After this we were left to wander around the rest of the studio tour at our own pace.

I took so many pictures, another technique I used to manage my anxiety as it gives me something else to focus on rather than the amount of people around me, as it was pretty busy.  I wouldn't want to bore you with them all though so I'll just share a few of my favourites.

It was very interesting to see how the films were made and I was quite surprised that the majority of the films were filmed on set here in the studios and not on location.  It's amazing what they can do with a green screen!  Just to see some of the time and effort that went into the making of these films was incredible, especially some of the artwork.  I also got to try my first Butterbeer and it tasted amazing!  I need the recipe!  We also paid for an audio guide which I have to say was a bit of a god send when it came to my anxiety.  To be able to put on those headphones and watch the videos on the screen were a great way to shut out what was going on around me when it all got a bit too much.

The tour ended with this incredible model of Hogwarts, which switched between day and night to show it all lit up.  This was one of my favourite parts of the tour as there was just something about this room that was a lot more relaxing than the rest of the tour, I don't know it it was the dim lights or the music or just the fact that it was over, ha ha!  No, in all seriousness I am glad I have got to a point where I am able to even attempt to do things like this and not let my anxiety rule my life as much and miss out on all the fun things in life.  Although it's still not as plain sailing as I'd like, each time I do something like this it gives me hope that one day I will be able to do things like this filled with nothing but excitement like everyone else.

Have you been to the Warner Bros Studios?  How did you find it?  Also if you are a fellow anxiety sufferer I would love to hear how you manage it in situations like this?

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I have a few posts planned but I thought after it being so long since I last posted I would do a little update.  If I'm being completely honest I have been struggling the last few weeks with my self confidence and anxiety and just haven't had the confidence to post.  So I've taken a bit of time out to spend with family and friends and just work on rebuilding my confidence.  I feel like since my nan died I have kind of let myself slip slightly, no longer exercising or eating well which unsurprisingly has lead to me putting on a little bit of weight and also worsened my anxiety, both knocking my confidence.  It is not until now that I have realised how much of an impact my diet and exercise has had on my anxiety, it had really helped and I think feeling more in shape gave me a boost of confidence which also helped my anxiety.  I've never really been one of those "your body is a temple" types but it really does amaze me the effects the food you eat can have not only on your body but your moods and emotions too.  As today is Bank Holiday Monday I am having one last day of lazing around with my dogs and from tomorrow I'm going to get back into my routine of exercise and write up a meal plan for the rest of the week.

If you follow me on instagram you will have probably already seen, but a few weeks ago I got a little forget me not tattoo in memory of my nan.  The picture above was when it was fresh but it is all healed now and I absolutely love it.  Every time I look at it I think of my nan and it makes me smile.  I've never been a fan of colour tattoos but when I decided I wanted to get some forget me nots I knew I wanted them to be in colour so they would look bright, as my nan could light up any room.  I have to admit I am now a convert and have a newfound love for colour tattoos.  It's weird to think that I now have three tattoos when this time last year I could barely step into a shop let alone step into a tattoo shop and let someone poke a needle into my arm for an hour.  I think that's why I kind of like writing these types of posts as it allows me to reflect on how far I've come, and realise even when I'm having a little dip in the rollercoaster of life I can cope with it much better than I think I am able to and looking back I am dealing with recent events much better than I used to.  Take for example, to cut a long story short, my mum and dad went away on holiday and I went with my sister to check on my grandad to find his flat empty.  We spent at least two hours ringing round hospitals before we managed to locate him, before I would've been no use whatsoever and would've probably just stood in the corner having a panic attack feeling useless.  I'm not saying it wasn't hard and I didn't have a huge rush of anxiety but I was actually able to make phone calls and help, and this may sound silly to some people but if you've ever had severe social anxiety you will understand how hard it is to make phone calls.  The fact that I actually managed to do it despite my anxiety was a huge step for me.  I just want anyone with anxiety to know that even though you may not feel like you can do it now or even in years time, the strength is inside you to come out the other side and you'll one day be able to do things you never imagined possible.  Everybody has their own mountains and you can't get to the top without climbing them and sometimes you may have to climb back down and find another route to the the top, but one day you'll get there.  This analogy is something I've learnt through therapy and has helped me to understand that we all have our own mountains to climb, and mine just may have a little more obstacles in the way than others, but it doesn't mean I can't get there and sometimes taking a step back and re-evaluating doesn't mean I've failed but is giving my body and mind a break so I am better able to deal with a situation rather than just giving up and going into hibernation.  Mental health is just as important as physical health and it's important that we take just as good care of it.

Hope you are all enjoying this sunny bank holiday weekend :)

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When I started blogging at the beginning of this year I decided that this year was going to be my year and I set myself a few goals that I would like to achieve in order to conquer my anxiety and make this year my year.  I'm determined that anxiety is no longer going to rule my life and one of my goals was to go on a little trip away to somewhere new.  Little did I know that just two and a half months later I would be taking that trip.  As I still haven't quite worked up the courage to get on a plane yet, I decided to start a little closer to home.  I happened to come across Mill Farm Leisure where I saw they were building these cute little Lakeside Lodges.  They sounded so ideal, in a small relaxing setting by a lake, each with their own hot tub.

We stayed in Cedar Lodge and, as you can see, the little wooden lodge is cute, cosy and very well equipped.  I was also pleasantly surprised by how roomy it felt, it didn't feel as small as it looked at all and had everything you would ever need.  The living area had a sofa, tv and fully equipped kitchen with a cooker, microwave and fridge/freezer.  The kitchen contained every utensil possible, they did not miss a beat. A nice little touch was a welcome tray with tea, coffee, sugar and biscuits on with a fresh bottle of milk in the fridge.  Then there was the bedroom, which had the comfiest duvet and pillows I have ever slept on.  Wish I'd thought to ask where they are from!  There was also another tv in there and off to the side was the bathroom.  I'm amazed at how well they utilised the space and it felt so homely.

As for the outside space there's only one word I could use to describe it... idyllic!  There was a large decked area that overhung the lake, which is literally in the middle of nowhere.  It was so peaceful and quiet you could hear a pin drop, besides the odd quack from the few resident ducks.  Then last but not least was my favourite part of our entire stay... the hot tub!!  We spent every night in there keeping warm, relaxing and stargazing with the odd glass of prosecco.  It did wonders for my anxiety and I have now decided I need a hot tub of my own, if only they didn't cost a fortune!

I'm actually amazed at how far I've come with my anxiety within the last few months and it's something I wanted to document here on my blog as it is something that has played a big part in my life and it will be nice to look back and see how far I've come.  I can actually for the first time in a long time say how proud I am of myself for not only taking this trip but not confining myself to the lodge. We went to the seaside, bowling, out for a couple of meals, to a wildlife park and even took a trip to the cinema to see Beauty and The Beast.  I know that being able to do this doesn't sound like much to some people, but considering that this time last year I couldn't get through the day without having several panic attacks let alone step foot out of my front door, this has been a huge achievement for me and has given me a massive confidence boost.  I can't wait to share more of my trip with you.