UPDATE: New Layout And A Bit Of Explaining
20:59
Wow, I can't actually believe that my last post was in June, it doesn't feel like it has been that long at all! I have touched on my anxiety and depression in previous posts but I finally decided to take a small break and focus on myself and getting myself better. This process has taught me that mental illness is not something that I should be ashamed of and that I would like to help break the stigma surrounding it. That is why I've decided that my return to blogging would start with the most open and honest (and hardest) post I have ever written. Anxiety and depression is something I have struggled with on and off for the past 10 years and if I'm being honest I used to use this blog to escape that and to portray myself as someone I wanted to be, a person who didn't suffer from mental illness... happy and carefree. The truth is I found it easier to sit behind my computer screen than face the outside world for real. Over the past year my anxiety got worse and worse to the point I could barely leave the house without having a panic attack and all my self confidence just completely drained away, which is a bit of a problem when it comes to being a blogger and having to post pictures of yourself or having no confidence in anything you write about. I felt like my blogging really started to suffer and the pressure I put on myself just made me feel worse.
Many people experience anxiety in their lifetime but for some it is worse than others and it can manifest in many different ways. For me my heart starts to pound, I start to sweat, my hands start to shake, I struggle to breathe (feeling like I've just ran a marathon at 100mph), I get dizzy, feel sick, everything seems to get really loud and I start to feel like the walls are closing in on me. This usually progresses into a full on panic attack and I end up crying and wanting to curl into a ball and hide from the world. And this is exactly what happened, I decided to hide from the world and avoided any situation that gave me any single one of those symptoms which, unfortunately for me, was every situation. Unfortunately the stigma that surrounds mental illness just feeds this anxiety and I am ashamed to admit that this is exactly what I allowed to happen to me. I allowed it to make me feel stupid, crazy, an idiot, weak, pathetic, sad and isolated. I stopped going out, seeing friends and even family, I didn't want them to witness one of my "freak outs" and think all those things I just mentioned. What I have learnt though through this process is that I want to combat that stigma for myself and for others and that is why I'm sharing my story here with you. I still struggle with the idea of being open about my anxiety and admitting that I have a fear of... well... life. Every single day I face some kind of obstacle that causes me to feel anxious, whether it be going to the corner shop or bumping into someone or being in a crowd of people. As I was able to be more open and honest about my issues with mental illness I have been able to build a great team of support including my therapist, my doctor, my family, my close friends and most importantly my boyfriend, he has been my absolute rock. What I am getting at here is that if you suffer from any kind of mental illness do not be ashamed to ask for help, it is more common than you think and once you start to be more open about it you realise you're not the only one that suffers in silence and with other people's support and understanding it can be conquered. Now, I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am learning to cope with my anxiety and face these situations again. It is a long hard battle and I still have my bad days (and really bad days) but after hitting rock bottom a few months ago I realised I couldn't sink any lower and I somehow found the strength to fight it with all I could. I have slowly but surely started to leave the house again even if it is only to walk the dog, go to the corner shop or visit my nan. But it's a step in the right direction and it's all these small steps that I am taking that are enabling me to get my life back. If you would like me to do a post on what kind of things I do to cope with my anxiety please let me know, as I would love to help others that are struggling with this in any way I can and if you suffer from any kind of mental illness, just know that you are NOT ALONE.
This leads me onto my new layout and blog title change. I have been considering doing this for a while, I've been looking for ways to improve it and find a title that was more fitting. As I just explained, I used to use this blog to hide behind and it mainly used to be about fashion, which is still my passion and will still heavily feature on the blog, but I wanted it to be a little more personal too and a place where I can express the real me and not just the person I'd like to be portrayed as. So if I'm having a bad day I don't feel the pressure to fake it on here and well if I feel like spending the day in my pyjamas then maybe the next outfit post could be a nightwear one, ha ha. I was really struggling to think about what the title could be, as I didn't want it to be something I'd want to change again in a few months. That's when I had the idea to change it to my instagram and twitter handle, what could be more personal than my own name?! So, there you have it, I hope you like it.
Wanting to end on a happier note Riley has a new baby brother, which you've probably already seen if you follow me on instagram. He is a little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel we have called Teddy and he has settled right in. He has also played a major part in my recovery recently too, dogs really are a mans best friend. I had been wanting a little playmate for Riley for a while and it was just fate that my cousin, who breeds them, had one little puppy left that she was struggling to find a home for as he had suffered with puppy strangles (hence his little bald nose) and was unable to be sold, so I offered to give him a home and it is one of the best decisions I have made, so the very next day, at 16 weeks old, he came to live with me. He is the snuggliest puppy and does not leave my side and if he's not following me he's busy chasing Riley around. Just watching them play never fails to put a smile on my face.
Looking forward to getting back into blogging and catching up on all your blogs.
13 comments
As someone who also suffers from anxiety I can really relate to how you feel and honestly well done on beginning to leave the house again and recover, I'm so glad you're feeling stronger <3 your blog layout looks cute!!
ReplyDeletewww.britishmermaid.com
So cute!
ReplyDeletexx
http://losaway.blogspot.com.es/
Ah, really cute dogs!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Dascha
This post is really brave. I know what you mean, with blogging you sometimes feel like you always have to show a happy and relaxed portrayal of yourself, and sometimes everything just becomes too much. I'm glad that you've had a break and you're ready to come back though! Hopefully, you find an outlet within your blog to express how you're feeling, and blog when you're happy to do so :) Aww I used to call my cat Ted, like an abbreviated version of Teddy :) xx
ReplyDeleteVelvet Blush
Hey sweetie, I find it so great and brave of you to be so opened about this topic!! And most important to start over again!! Your blog looks really cute! Wishing you all the best hun <3 xx
ReplyDeletewww.confashiontime.com
Your new design is awesome! Really! Congrats on that! And congrats on this post which is brave and wonderful. We all have our issues and problems and I find it great to share instead of pretending whatsoever. I am very happy you are back in the blogger world :)
ReplyDeleteXx
Rosa Larissa Klara
conscious lifestyle of mine
I love your new layout. I'm sorry you've been struggling with your anxiety xx
ReplyDeleteGreat post, it's really important to crate awareness about anxiety as so many people suffer from it and suffer in silence. You puppy is so cute! Gemma x
ReplyDeletewww.jacquardflower.uk
Thank you for speaking out about this and I know someone could relate to what you're going through. My husband's niece has severe anxiety and am on medication to keep it under control. Those who never see or experience how terrifying anxiety can be will never understand.
ReplyDeleteShireen | Reflection of Sanity
I had a few weeks of anxiety after transplant and it was horrendous so I really feel for you having to suffer with this for so long - especially as you're just so lovely (not that anyone deserves to go through it, but still.) I had the same symptoms as you and I'd go deaf in one ear, it was terrifying. It makes you feel silly and stupid but I promise you you're anything but, you're actually kind, caring, you know how to put an outfit together plus you're a dog lover (welcome Teddy!) which is always a win in my book ;-) You deserve to enjoy life to the full and recovery will be hard and up and down but I hope you really enjoy the good days.
ReplyDeleteRight that's enough soppiness from me ;-) always a tweet/email away if you wanna chat xxx
Josie | Sick Chick Chic
So glad that you're opening up about your struggles here. I think the blogosphere is one of the most open entities out there, and we're all here to gladly support you in any way that we can! Of course, we're all a ping away. Glad that you're back and well-- Also, a break isn't so bad! Pretty soon you'll be up and running posting lovely pictures as always!
ReplyDeletexx,
Abby
house of akih | www.houseofakih.com
Love this :) When I was suffering badly from my own anxiety issues last year (and presently), I decided to speak about it on my blog; and it really helps. Just knowing you could be helping another person is very soothing. I'm glad you've turned another corner, and I also find animals to be so therapeutic! Your dogs look lovely x
ReplyDeleteLife inside the Locket
All my admiration goes out to you beautiful Sadie. Can only imagine how much strength and courage it took to write and publish such an honest and frank post - but this just proves you've got courage and strength times a million! I've suffered with anxiety all my life with bouts of depression too and it truly is the worst. There are no words to even cover just how bad it is. I've opened up a little about it before on my blog but have always felt I'm waiting for that massive outlet of a post where I talk about it in more depth, although sometimes I'm completely petrified at that prospect, it's posts like yours that definitely give me the courage to feel perhaps I should be more open and talk about it when the time is right.
ReplyDeleteThe amount of love and respect that I have for you is nothing I can put into words, I really am so proud of you sweet, you are beautiful inside and out and deserve nothing but happiness. I'm so happy to see you back to blogging, with a gorgeous new name and layout too! I'm always here if you need a friend <3
Sophie | soinspo xo
Thank you for your lovely comments :)
I read every single one and will always try to reply x