I have a few posts planned but I thought after it being so long since I last posted I would do a little update.  If I'm being completely honest I have been struggling the last few weeks with my self confidence and anxiety and just haven't had the confidence to post.  So I've taken a bit of time out to spend with family and friends and just work on rebuilding my confidence.  I feel like since my nan died I have kind of let myself slip slightly, no longer exercising or eating well which unsurprisingly has lead to me putting on a little bit of weight and also worsened my anxiety, both knocking my confidence.  It is not until now that I have realised how much of an impact my diet and exercise has had on my anxiety, it had really helped and I think feeling more in shape gave me a boost of confidence which also helped my anxiety.  I've never really been one of those "your body is a temple" types but it really does amaze me the effects the food you eat can have not only on your body but your moods and emotions too.  As today is Bank Holiday Monday I am having one last day of lazing around with my dogs and from tomorrow I'm going to get back into my routine of exercise and write up a meal plan for the rest of the week.

If you follow me on instagram you will have probably already seen, but a few weeks ago I got a little forget me not tattoo in memory of my nan.  The picture above was when it was fresh but it is all healed now and I absolutely love it.  Every time I look at it I think of my nan and it makes me smile.  I've never been a fan of colour tattoos but when I decided I wanted to get some forget me nots I knew I wanted them to be in colour so they would look bright, as my nan could light up any room.  I have to admit I am now a convert and have a newfound love for colour tattoos.  It's weird to think that I now have three tattoos when this time last year I could barely step into a shop let alone step into a tattoo shop and let someone poke a needle into my arm for an hour.  I think that's why I kind of like writing these types of posts as it allows me to reflect on how far I've come, and realise even when I'm having a little dip in the rollercoaster of life I can cope with it much better than I think I am able to and looking back I am dealing with recent events much better than I used to.  Take for example, to cut a long story short, my mum and dad went away on holiday and I went with my sister to check on my grandad to find his flat empty.  We spent at least two hours ringing round hospitals before we managed to locate him, before I would've been no use whatsoever and would've probably just stood in the corner having a panic attack feeling useless.  I'm not saying it wasn't hard and I didn't have a huge rush of anxiety but I was actually able to make phone calls and help, and this may sound silly to some people but if you've ever had severe social anxiety you will understand how hard it is to make phone calls.  The fact that I actually managed to do it despite my anxiety was a huge step for me.  I just want anyone with anxiety to know that even though you may not feel like you can do it now or even in years time, the strength is inside you to come out the other side and you'll one day be able to do things you never imagined possible.  Everybody has their own mountains and you can't get to the top without climbing them and sometimes you may have to climb back down and find another route to the the top, but one day you'll get there.  This analogy is something I've learnt through therapy and has helped me to understand that we all have our own mountains to climb, and mine just may have a little more obstacles in the way than others, but it doesn't mean I can't get there and sometimes taking a step back and re-evaluating doesn't mean I've failed but is giving my body and mind a break so I am better able to deal with a situation rather than just giving up and going into hibernation.  Mental health is just as important as physical health and it's important that we take just as good care of it.

Hope you are all enjoying this sunny bank holiday weekend :)

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If you follow me on instagram you may have seen that yesterday I took a trip to Brighton.  Not only was this a feat in itself, being the furthest I've travelled with my anxiety in nearly two years, but I also went to get my first tattoo!  I've always wanted a tattoo but have been to indecisive and afraid to actually get it done.  Last year when I started to step out of my comfort zone and face my fears I made the decision that I wanted to get the tattoo and made it one of my goals for this year.  So when I  came across the wonderful Gee on instagram I just knew she had to be the one to do it.

The night before I barely slept due to a whole mix of emotions, I was nervous about travelling, nervous about getting it done... What if I had a panic attack and she couldn't finish it?...  All mixed with the excitement of finally finding the courage to be brave enough to do it.  This time last year it wouldn't have been something that I could even consider doing as my anxiety was way too bad.  The three and a half hour drive to Brighton gave myself plenty of time to work my nerves into a frenzy but luckily Gee was amazing.  She was so lovely, made me feel so comfortable and I don't think I could have found a more perfect person to tattoo me.  Not only was I able to get my first tattoo but my second one too!

I knew I wanted my first tattoo to be a quote that I could look down at and be reminded that no matter how tough it gets I can get through it and have before.  I have always loved this quote and although I tried to find something else that was a bit shorter, I just kept coming back to this quote so I knew it had to be the one.  When Gee showed me the design I knew I'd made the right decision as the font was perfect and exactly the type of thing I had described to her.  I really didn't know what to expect when she started to tattoo me, but surprisingly it didn't hurt at all and I now understand what people mean when they say it's hard to describe what it feels like.  The only way I can think to describe what it feels like is a slight scratching and vibrating feeling.  When I was trying to decide on my tattoo there were two different ideas that I just couldn't decide between so I decided that I would get both if the first one went well.  Thankfully it did because I loved the second design Gee came up with for me just as much.

I had toyed with the idea of having the word strength written on my wrist to remind me that I am stronger than I think and can get through the anxieties that life throw at me.  When looking at tattoos I saw lots of different of images of people with that tattoo and I just wanted something that felt more unique to me.  I also liked the idea of having an arrow tattooed on me to represent the struggle of being pulled back by my anxiety and moving forward to face and hopefully beat these anxieties.  I knew I still wanted it to represent strength too so looked for ideas for symbols of strength, and as soon as I saw this celtic one I knew that had to be the one with my Dad's side of the family being irish.  I asked if she could incorporate these things into one whole design and this is what she came up with.  I absolutely love it!!

I can't even begin to describe I how pleased I felt with myself after this experience.  Gee was absolutely amazing and I trusted her completely.  I think a big part of the experience was ensuring I had the right person doing it and I felt completely comfortable with her.  I couldn't have asked for it to go any more smoothly than it did.  This whole experience of travelling and getting these tattoos done has given me the massive boost of confidence I needed to face my anxieties head on and I will have a permanent reminder of this now and know that I can do it!!